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[[February 13th, 2012]
[8:36pm]] |
When I look into the mirror, I see an ugly person, a shell of derelict dreams and beliefs, a soulless set of eyes which once saw the greenest of greens and the purest of whites, now tainted by the darkness of negativity and the ambivalence of emptiness. What happened to me over these few years? While everyone was busy growing up, I was busy growing weary, weary of this existence, of the dreary life that doesn't pass, but simply consumes me.
I feel like I've been on auto-pilot for the longest time, drifting is merely a controlled loss of control, a meandering descent into an inevitable tailspin, preceding the crash which will spell the end of it all.
The scariest thing isn't not knowing, it is the knowledge that the truth will change everything.
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[[September 4th, 2011]
[9:57pm]] |
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When I step over the ledge, I wonder who will there be left who cares?
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[[April 30th, 2011]
[2:38am]] |
I find myself increasingly immovable and uncompromising, overly sensitive and incessantly prophecizing negativity
I typed this almost 3 years ago haha and I can't believe how well it descrives me now.
Anyway I spent the last 3hours reading thiis LJ since 2008 and it was such a sobering thing. I can't believe I could actually write that well last time, my intellect now is probably the equivalent of a slug.
Found some freaking funny posts though, those were really the times.
http://secondhandlies.livejournal.com/71265.html
http://secondhandlies.livejournal.com/75661.html
http://secondhandlies.livejournal.com/82910.html
I don't know it's 3am and I'm feeling all vulnerable and reckless but they really perked me up. God I really miss those days.
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[[April 30th, 2011]
[12:21am]] |
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I haven't felt so empty in awhile. Every time I go to facebook I feel genuinely sad. Sad that the world has moved on and I did nothing to catch up. That I let people who I grew up with drift away and life pass me by.
I think it's sad that every time I come here now my posts are always of a negative nature, this place used to be a lot happier, and so did I.
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[[March 16th, 2011]
[10:03pm]] |
If one day I look back on this night, happy, in love, at peace, satisfied or any of the above, I'll know that I'm in a better place.
If looks are deceiving, this must be the biggest lie of all.
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[[February 18th, 2011]
[4:02pm]] |
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Sometimes people do nothing, not because they don't care, but because they don't want to get hurt again.
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[[February 13th, 2011]
[2:14pm]] |
Every morning is a struggle, today I woke up with knots in my heart and an anxiety-filled dread. Time is a tangible entity, an exponentially decreasing distance to the end, and I am pulled along by its supernatural force through the forest of apathy and derision.
Those eyes they stare a hole right through this naked soul, I can't remember the last time I felt totally at ease with myself, but it must have been much warmer than it is now.
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| You built me up just to watch me break |
[[February 6th, 2011]
[1:57am]] |
I feel exhausted from this constant struggle to stay afloat in an ocean of depression.
There is noone who will listen, noone who will feel the same pain in this empty heart and noone who will understand what I have become.
If life is borne from ashes and order is restored through chaos, then show me the light. Because I need that fucking light more than you can imagine.
All I want is to sink to the bottom, where I will be alone when I'm under as I have been above.
Where there will be no more struggles and all this pain, and you will stop. Where I will be at one with myself and truly happy again.
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| This is not a post about the army |
[[December 18th, 2010]
[12:45am]] |
There was a time when I used to come here almost every day, a time when I felt a part of this world and when life had a meaning and purpose. Now I don't remember how all of that felt, no recollection of the emotions I used to experience and no outlet to express any of those feelings.
I can live with the monotonous grind on a daily basis but I can't bear the emotional dips and caverns, my life is like a fucking minefield.
I really miss you guys more than you can ever imagine.
I don't recall how life was back then, but it couldn't have been worse than this.
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[[March 7th, 2010]
[1:14pm]] |
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Next week will be the toughest week of my life. But I will make it, and I will be strong, so I can see you again.
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[[February 28th, 2010]
[9:22pm]] |
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Inside, time crawls along painfully. Every day is a dragged out tight wrenched squeeze through a winding path of closing walls. But tough times never last, only tough people do. Each moment I spend staring at the ground I am motivated by the prospect of time with you again. Every weekend now is a lifeline, life support, something which I cling to with my life and treasure with all my heart.
Life inside there hasn't been physically or mentally as tough as I imagined it to be. I have pushed myself to places I've never been, and places I have, and come out of it better. I've struggled along and been angry and disappointed, experienced every negative emotion possible. But I've never yearned for any of the old comforts I used to have. My bed, a toilet of my own, a room of my own, internet, soccer, psp, nice food, sleep, clothes, hair, I've not missed any of them enough to actually feel it.
But every day, every moment, I miss you. And every moment away from you makes me stronger, because it is one moment closer to being by your side again.
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[[December 25th, 2009]
[1:31am]] |
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This thing we call life, there is only black and white. You are either in it or you're out, there can be no in between. There can be no maybe, or possibly, no what ifs. This grey area we call hope, we hope that things will happen, it doesn't exist. You either do something to make it happen, or you hope and do nothing at all.
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[[December 20th, 2009]
[11:29pm]] |
But, even when our hopes give way to reality and we finally have to surrender to the truth, it just means we've lost today battle. Not tomorrows war. Here's the thing about surrender, once you do it, actually give in, you forget why you were even fighting in the first place.
Flying off to visit my dad on tuesday, I won't so much miss the country as I will the people, not most of the people anyway but more of one person. Time is a funny thing, it's elusive when you wish it would stand still and sluggish when you wish it would just pass. But love is a constant that binds us both, over distance, or time. Life is tough sometimes, but tough times make the easy times that much sweeter.
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[[December 14th, 2009]
[2:42am]] |
Hello world, I'd dare say the few weeks after As have been the most productive weeks of my life. It feels like every day I see, try and do new things, and in some way or another make the day meaningful. Freedom is too short to be wasted stoning at home every day because there'll be plenty of that in a few weeks time.
Mush-phobes turn away now. I think I have the most awesome people in my life. My girlfriend who is always so strong, supportive and always there when I need her, reminding me of what life is about and something better. And friends like Fabian who will go the extra mile to help me even with the most ambitious of dreams. And also the best friends who have shaped my past and my future.
It's funny how once you have no responsibilities, life is actually worth living again.
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[[November 25th, 2009]
[8:07pm]] |
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As didn't end with a bang as much as it did with a whimper, I think it's apt my final academic exercise involved death, entropy, the contrast between the inner mind and external experiences and heroism, things I've had lots of experiences with in my 6years. It all feels anti-climatic to be honest, I guess you have to work hard to enjoy the liberation.
Today whilst writing I found myself making all sorts of expression errors......... Incoherence is the native language of us fog people.
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[[November 19th, 2009]
[6:03pm]] |
Yesterday the rain soaked my bag and killed my psp while I was butchered by the econs paper. As have been a general downhill trend and I've sort of lost all motivation to soldier on. 6days from now all of this misery will end, but then what? I've stopped looking forward to it because I realised it's not going to be any better after this is over.
Sometimes life plays you a cruel hand and you just have to make the best of it, but what if your best isn't good enough?
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[[November 8th, 2009]
[11:17pm]] |
HAHAHA. Okay 9 hours to A-levels and 17 days to liberation good luck everyone!!!
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[[October 28th, 2009]
[10:04pm]] |
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Unfulfilled promises and potential. I think those four words aptly describe everything about my two years of college life. So much of life is borne from hypothetical conclusions based on hindsight, the what ifs and if onlys, they spread out like cracks over the surface of our lives, we don't think of the now but the past and what could have been.
Now with foresight, I can see the face of the future, and it isn't as bright as they always painted it to be.
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[[October 12th, 2009]
[11:12pm]] |
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On a cold blistery night somewhere far away in England, an old foggy squeals his eyes to dissect the carcass of mathematical incoherence. "Oh index number 0075, it is evident from your pathetic attempts at integrating 1/lnX that you have been unrepentant and uncontrite in your mathematical endeavours. From your lack of conceptual knowledge it is clear that you have been indulging yourself in childish handheld games in math tutorials while consistently ignoring assignments and sleeping through class tests. Your inability to decipher basic asymptotes and plot simple argand diagrams leads me to conclude that you have obviously been spending math lectures scribbling and drawing random gibberish on not only your own, but others' work. It is also clear that you are an errant abuser of graphic calculators, traumatising your friends with nightmare inducing messages on their GCs. Therefore, I can only sadly conclude that you are fully deserving of the U grade I am about to bestow upon you."
Oh. Joy.
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[[October 8th, 2009]
[8:31pm]] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Prelim results have been much like usual I guess, my grades always hover at the two extreme ends of the spectrum. Still, failing econs was pretty tough, since it's the only subject that I actually enjoy and take pride in, not that it got me anywhere in the end, the disillusionment has taken a full 12hours to set in haha.
I think I might seriously be motivationally deficient, like there's the real possibility I really have this medical condition which causes my brain to refuse being motivated for anything academically related. Though recently it has taken a strange liking for math (yes, math) and developed a sudden ability to understand complex mathematical questions and solve them, not always successfully but at least it's getting somewhere. It's really down to how much easier other school's prelim papers are, when you solve a question it gives you motivation to solve another.
So why does hc have to set such retardedly impossible papers? Haha mj and I concluded that the teachers might have like some inferiority complex or some innate fantasy that some time in the future when we are all rich and successful and they are all retired and fed up with living they will at least be able to say "Ha, but the richest man in singapore couldn't solve my super complex differential equation!!"
30 days from now I will be one night away from making or breaking the rest of my life. I know some people always say that it isn't the end if you screw up your As, but why does everyone else act like it is? I wish I was actually talented at something, like maybe one day I could discover that I'm super talented at something which could make me rich, maybe secretly I am the best fashion designer in the world. It's not like you actually need an A-level cert for that. Or maybe tomorrow I could exact my master plan of flying to some far away corner of the world to discover 10tons of gold under a rock. Or something.
Haha I wanted to say that maybe I could secretly be the best footballer in the world... glorious hidden potential yet to be unleashed hahaha
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